What “Should Be” Versus What “Is”

idealism n 1: (philosophy) the philosophical theory that ideas are the only reality 2: impracticality by virtue of thinking of things in their ideal form rather than as they really are 3: elevated ideals or conduct; the quality of believing that ideals should be pursued

That third definition is good, it means if we’re idealists we strive for ideals in ourselves and our own lives. Where people get into trouble is living life by the other two definitions, thereby expecting others to live by the ideals we choose for ourselves. Or, more accurately, ideals someone ELSE chose for us.

Another way idealism can cause problems is when people use them as a cop-out for not succeeding or having things go their way. For example, it says in the Bible, “the meek shall inherit the Earth.” First of all, we know that’s never going to happen (taken literally anyway) because the meek don’t DO anything. Those who lead are anything but meek; look at politics and big business. If, somehow, the meek were to take over, we’d have total chaos and the human race would fail to survive.

Another place we get loaded up with idealism is in movies and books. Good always wins out over evil, the nice guy always gets the girl and they live happily ever after. In real life, nice guys finish last and they rarely get the girl. But after reading all the novels and seeing all those movies and TV shows, we grow up thinking that IS real life. So we emulate what we’ve seen, read, heard and been told: men put every effort into being “nice guys” in hopes of getting the girl and women THINK that nice guy is the one they want.

Of course, we got a lot of help from our mothers with this brand of ideal, too. They wished it was true and in trying to make life “better” for their kids, they taught their sons to be nice guys and kiss up to women and taught their daughters to expect that and gauge a man by how generous he is and how high a pedestal he puts her on.

Happily ever after? Usually, if people give in to what they think is the way it works – the way it “should be” - they end up unhappy and divorced.

If we become obsessed with expecting things to be as we’ve been taught they should be, it will lead to disappointment, disillusionment and ultimately, anger. If other people don’t live up to our false expectations, we just blame them.

Where do we see this happening over and over? Well, how about the people who don’t do well when it comes to attracting the opposite sex? The overweight woman or 5’ tall man who says: “They shouldn’t care what I look like.”

Nice idea, but we all know the day men stop caring what a woman looks like is the day women will be attracted to 5’ tall men with zero incomes. But these people find it easier, more convenient, to blame the rest of the world than to take responsibility and decide whether they care enough to do something to MAKE themselves more attractive or would rather give up on the idea of mating.

That last example is a good illustration of the difference between what we’re told should be versus our instincts – what “is”. Human nature – our instincts – is wired into the most basic part of our brain, just like every species of animal on earth. But, unlike all the other species, we have religion and society telling us we shouldn’t be that way, we should be something else. And the more we believe it, the more unhappy we become!

And THAT is the way it IS.

Comments, as always, are welcome.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net