Supreme Court Nominations

I know this is off-topic but I think women really need to be concerned about the Supreme Court nominations coming from the Bush White House. Why? Because the Bush administration has been pandering to the religious right and a woman's right to choose is in danger!

The latest nominee who's causing a flap is John Roberts, who in the past has worked more in politics than in courtrooms, apparently. And the Bush administration is dragging feet releasing information about Roberts to the Senate. Well gee, doesn't that tell you Bush has something he doesn't want the Senate to know about regarding Roberts' past record and positions?

Click this link to sign an important petition being sent to Senators:

Save the Court

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 4

Here's the fourth and final installment of excerpts from Let's talk....Man to Woman:

Wounded bird syndrome

A lot of women will slip something into their profiles about having had negative experiences with men, a bad marriage, etc. Some of them will clearly lay all the blame at the feet of their ex’s. Bad move. The smart guy, a man with any intuition, will see that and think if he meets her he’s going to have to sit and listen to a tirade about her ex or men in general. No one likes a person with a victim mentality. Not to mention, he'd be next in line for the blame. Next profile!

“Are there any good men?”

Insult an entire gender and you shouldn’t expect a member of it to be very interested in having any kind of relationship with you. I’ve seen this used as a headline many times and at one time I was dumb enough to write to the woman and try to show her that there are some good men and I’m one of them. Pretty naïve of me, huh? See, she has such a negative opinion of men, she’s a lost cause. She’s gone through life blaming men for everything that’s gone wrong in her life and she’s not about to quit now! But she still thinks there might just be that one perfect man out there who will fix her problems instead of causing them like all the other guys have done. In reality, no one else caused her problems and no one else can fix them; she created them and will continue to do so.

Bad spelling!

In that Match.com survey the number two peeve was bad spelling and punctuation. Not only does it show a lack of literacy, it makes it look like she doesn’t care how she presents herself. It’s not that hard to type up what you want to say in a word processor with spell check and paste it in, or have a friend edit it.

I met a Russian-born lady (with less-than native English skills) on the Internet who lives in Alaska and she wasn’t having great luck with her profile on Yahoo. I copied it and opened it in Word, did a 5-minute edit and sent it back to her. She pasted it into her profile and her responses increased right away!

Free profiles all over the Internet

A lot of the dating sites (in fact I think all of them) offer a free profile and/or “search for free” and a lot of people sign up for a bunch of them. I don’t know what the thinking is because they’re not willing to pay for any of them and if you don’t pay you can’t contact anyone and usually, no one can contact you! So what’s the point? With some sites you get an email saying someone sent you a message but you can’t see who it was, with others you see who it was but can’t read or respond to the email.

As much as this is a waste of time, what’s worse is the impression it gives if a man checks out several of these sites and sees the same woman on all of them. He’ll think either she’s desperate or not very smart, neither of which is very attractive.

So what’s the point of using the Internet?

This whole idea of “finding a relationship” on a dating site is a bunch of hooey as far as I’m concerned. Yet that seems to be what people think they’re going to accomplish. The reality is a relationship either happens or it doesn’t, whether you think you’re compatible with the other person or not. Chemistry and instincts are what determine it. Can we narrow the field and maybe save some time we’d waste meeting people who aren’t anywhere near right for us? Absolutely! But you still have to meet someone – actually meet them.

When Internet dating first started the premise was that we could use it to meet people we otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet. And it works if that’s what you try to use it for. Heck, I’ve made friends all over the country and even in other countries! I’ve flown across the country to meet someone and I’ve flown a woman here from the other side of the country. Did they work out? No, but at least we took advantage of the technology and met.
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Comments or questions? Post them here.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 3

Here's the third installment of excerpts from Let's talk....Man to Woman:

“Love to travel”

You might like to travel and a lot of women are really looking forward to doing a lot of it. But I wouldn’t suggest saying that in a profile. Especially if it’s in a list of criteria you’re looking for in a man. I recently read one:

“You are a successful man who has the desire & means to travel.”

This was in the middle of a ridiculously long “shopping list” and to a man it smells of “gold digger” big time! What a man sees when he reads “love to travel” is:

“I want to travel and take the trips I’ve always dreamed of but can’t afford until you pay for them.”

It will eliminate about 60% of the men instantly but probably 2/3 of the women over about 45 say it. They have no idea the message they’re putting across or how self-respecting men feel about women who are after money. Do they really want a man to “buy” their attention and affection? Maybe some do, but to a man, it sounds a lot like the world’s oldest profession.

A lady pointed out to me that if a 50 year-old man wants to “buy” a trophy wife he can get a gorgeous 35 year-old. Why would he be interested in a 50-something woman who wants his money?

“Friends First”

If the shopping list screams “control freak” this one – usually used in the headline of a profile – screams it through a megaphone. Most of us know what the woman is trying to say, that she’s not going to have sex with a man right away, and to most of us that’s fine – we’ll respect that. But we’d respect it a lot more if she’d just say that! See, the problem with her announcing right up front that we have to be friends first is two-fold: First, it says that she has some pre-determined plan (or rules) laid out (a big turn-off for men) and second, a smart guy knows that once a woman puts him in the “friend” category, that’s where he’ll stay. And the smart guy will pass right on by.

Here’s one I read once: “Looking for a friend who will wine and dine me with no strings attached.” And no picture with it. Now, I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t know any men that stupid!

By the way, this tendency seems to be age-related and interestingly, geography related. Meaning it’s prevalent in some parts of the country and unheard of in others. Example: When I was active on Cupid Junction, one day they sent me 13 “matches” and 7 were in my metropolitan area. All 7 of those had an identical headline: ”Friends First!” And no picture. None of the women farther away used that line and they all had pictures.

Now, I have seen profiles that told me the woman actually believes the mushy love stories she’s seen in all those made-for-TV movies, where the nice, devoted friend who stands by her through all her problems ends up being her lover. But it doesn’t work like that in real life very often, does it? In reality, it takes you about 30 seconds to put a man into one of three categories: a friend with no romantic interest, a possible mate you’re interested in and the oh-so-rare, gotta-have-this-one!

Come up with a simple, friendly and catchy headline then in the text of the profile say you’re more comfortable with a man who’s willing to spend some time getting to know each other before getting intimate. That will get the point across without running off the guys you want to meet. Those men will respect you!
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Now, if you put the two mistakes here together in one profile - which thousands of women do - what it says to a man is you want him to spend a lot of money on you with no reciprocation or guarantee of any kind of close relationship. It also says that unless he has money and is willing to spend it on your whims - with no strings attached - you aren't interested in knowing him. What kind of man is THAT going to attract?

Another one that will make a lot of men - the kind of man you'd probably like to have - chuckle is the woman who says in her headline "Just looking for a friend" but then goes on to describe her "ideal" mate. Sometimes she actually has a good idea of the kind of man she really wants, too! But that will probably run him off.

As alway, comments and questions are welcome.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 2

This is the second installment on Internet dating, excerpted from my book, "Let's talk....Man to Woman"
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A “Full Life”

A lot of women seem to think men are attracted to them if they talk about how full and busy their lives are: “I lead a full, busy life. I like to spend my free time with family and friends. I do volunteer work, ski, play tennis and golf. I also have a demanding career.” Okay, why would a man be interested in a woman who doesn’t have time for him? Enough said about that.

“Fishing”

Most dating sites want you to list a bunch of your favorite activities and I‘ve seen a lot of women list things like fishing, hunting, camping, watching sports, etc. Things men like to do. Do these women really want to go hunting and camping? I think they’re just listing some of these hoping to look more attractive to the men who do them – “fishing” with a net for something he’ll think they have in common. One reason I suspect this is that a lot of men do the same thing. It’s human nature to say what you think will sell.

The funny part about this tactic is a guy doesn’t usually want to take his wife or girlfriend hunting, anyway! He does that with his buddies, same as golfing.

Long list of parameters or criteria

Most women list all these criteria and parameters they’re looking for, a wish list of things they require in someone before they’ll even meet them. First of all, it narrows the field down to about nothing sometimes and second, if there’s no unconscious attraction there’s no relationship. What if you narrow it down to one guy, then find out he’s a jerk? Or more likely, some a** kissing wuss without a life of his own.

Choosing who you’re going to meet – and by extension, fall in love with – using a list of parameters is totally unheard of in the “real” world outside of online dating. What did we do before it became so popular? Did we have our age stamped on our foreheads? Did we wear a label that says, “I have 2 kids and one lives with me”? I think people who try to use Internet dating sites as their only or preferred way of meeting someone have lost touch with reality. Yeah, I did that for a while and it happened to me! And we become so attached to the idea of custom-ordering someone to meet, finding the perfect person before meeting him or her, we start to get jaded when it doesn’t happen that way.

Look, when a woman has a long shopping list it says very bad things about her to men. One, it says she assumes every guy is going to fall all over himself to win her (yeah, even 50-something, overweight women with no pictures do this), two, it says she really believes she can be that picky and three, it just screams “control freak” to us.
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Our culture has taught you what you "should" be attracted to in a mate and so have your past experiences - your disappointments. But "should" and "are" are two very different things. The real problem is, over the years men have listened to women talking about what you think you want and have adapted accordingly, into exactly what you DON'T want! Some guys have figured it out, that when you actually meet the man you describe as your ideal you either dump him completely or put him in the "let's just be friends" category and go looking for another one just like him!

My suggestion would be to get in touch with your instincts, read a book or two on the subject, and figure out what it is that really attracts you to a man.

Comments or questions are always welcome and appreciated.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work?

Starting today, I'm going to post excerpts from my book, the chapter on Internet dating, with one or two tips per post. Enjoy and hopefully learn! :-)

Internet Dating: Can I Make It Work?

In a word: maybe. Considering how many hundreds of thousands of people are trying to use dating sites to meet Mr. or Ms. Right, those few radio ads for eharmony.com are but a tiny spit in the ocean of failures. If I were to take a wild guess I’d say probably 99.99% of the people on these sites are unsuccessful. I’m basing this on:

• My experience trying off and on for probably three years
• The experiences of friends, acquaintances and the women I’ve met and become friends with online (mostly long distance)
• The hundreds of women I see on site after site, month after month and even year after year, still doing the same things

That last one brings me to the conclusion I’m going to share with you: if you want to have any success in online dating, you’re going to have to do something totally different from what all the unsuccessful women are doing. Considering most of them are doing the same stuff and continue doing it even though it’s not working, that should give you hope.

So let’s go through a list of things women are doing in their profiles that don’t work, some of which men simply know isn’t honest and some of which really tick us off or run us off. And by the way, a man with integrity and self-respect – the man you want to meet – will pass if he senses any dishonesty.

No picture or an old picture

Match.com did a survey and found that far and away the number one peeve is profiles without photos. Basically, no photo, no responses – or not many, at least. But sometimes it’s worse when they use an old one – it’s dishonest and no one wants to meet a dishonest person. Yeah, I know, some men do this too but I’m not here to coach men, am I? (Although I do that, too)

I’ve personally met women I couldn’t possibly recognize from the picture in their profile. Or maybe I recognized her face but her picture gave me no inkling that she was 80 pounds overweight. In the case of old pictures, that’s often the reason they use them: they don’t want men to know how much weight they’ve gained in the last 10 years so they use a 10 year old picture! Really, no one cares what someone looked like 10 years ago.

Now, what do you suppose a man’s reaction is going to be when he meets someone who looks 10 years older and 50 pounds heavier than he expected? Guaranteed disappointment! Not to mention, he’s ticked off because he was deliberately misled. I’ve known some guys who will just walk out on a date when that happens – and I can’t blame them!

Lying about age and/or weight

This is often combined with the no picture/old picture scam. I doubt this is going on much with younger women but it seems like after some magic age it becomes so commonplace, we men half expect it! The problem with lying is, the truth eventually comes out and the guy’s going to be really pissed off when it does.

A friend of mine (he’s 59 but in excellent shape and looks younger) told me about a lady he met on Match.com – he was actually pretty excited about her after a couple of phone conversations with her. For their first meeting she invited him over to her house for dinner and not many women are that trusting! Well, in her profile she said she was 56 but when he was at her house she admitted to being 63. With hardly a word he got up and walked out. Can you blame him?

The real killer about this lying and misleading is some of these women who do this are adamant in their profiles that they want an honest man, some even questioning if such a man exists! Excuse me?
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I've heard and read countless complaints from women about how men in online dating mislead or outright lie in their profiles but the truth is, women do it, too! I'm going to guess in at least equal amounts.

In my own efforts to use online dating sites I came to an interesting conclusion: Even though most women say they want to meet an honest man, the more honest I've been in my profiles the less interest I've gotten!
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As always, your comments are not only welcome but appreciated.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Are All Men Dishonest?

I was reading a lady’s blog on myspace.com and she said she was about to give up on men, something to the effect that men are dishonest. We hear and see that so often, to men it’s a sad, sick joke. Almost any man will say that most women lie all the time!

I’m a firm believer that what you project you will attract, or call it karma if you’d rather. The point is, if you’re dishonest, people will be dishonest with you. If you’re honest, you’ll attract honesty. And if your perspective is that men aren't honest you'll be imagining lies where there aren't any. You'll never trust a man and without trust you simply can NOT have a healthy relationship.

We see it all the time in online personals, women bemoaning the lack of honest men, while they lie about their age or weight (or both) or use a 5-10 year old picture. It’s so commonplace that men in my age group expect it! But as we all know, the problem with lying is that eventually the truth comes out, right? And the person you’re meeting I can guarantee will be disappointed – at LEAST! Try pissed off, disillusioned, angry, whatever. Just as YOU would be if he did it.

You want to know the real downside of a woman questioning the honesty of men in general? She's blown her chance with honest men! Why? Well, no honest man with integrity wants to be with a woman who will always assume he's lying, a woman who will never trust him. It's not worth it!

I was just telling a lady who wrote for advice on her “boyfriend” that the two occasions when a man is most likely to lie or mislead is when he wants to get into your pants and when he wants to keep you around, assuming he thinks the truth won’t work. Well, that’s something we seem to have in common with you women: you’re most likely to lie when it comes to affairs of the heart, too. When you want a man to be interested and when you want to keep him around.

I recently read an article about lying in our culture, how it’s gotten so mainstream. I think that’s sad!

Oh, by the way, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Ready? A man can usually tell when a woman lies to him. I’m not going to tell you how because we like having that advantage.:-)

Why More Men Don't Satisfy Their Lovers

A couple of posts back I talked about the things a woman needs to feel fulfilled in a relationship and the last one was great sex. Lots of it. As someone I read recently put it, "mind-blowing sex." I'm feeling a little controversial today so let's talk about that and why it's so hard to find a man who can and will do that.

First off, growing up no one is there to teach us or even TELL us anything about sex and how to please a woman, we're just expected to know these things. And no one tells us how important it is because everyone's too busy maintaining the social taboo and making us ashamed to think about it, let alone do it. On top of that, boys grow up with the idea that women don't WANT or ENJOY sex. So we get into our first intimate relationships misguided and totally blind.

Guess what? Our first few partners are stuck either with the task of teaching us how to satisfy them or putting up with lousy sex. And unfortunately, a lot of women (especially young women) don't know much themselves so they choose the latter choice (by default?) and a lot of them simply fake orgasms. This obviously doesn't teach a man anything - he thinks he's doing fine!

If a man is lucky, he has relationships with one or two women early on who have had relationships with good lovers and they teach him; if a woman has never had mind-blowing orgasms, she doesn't even know what she's looking for, just "something" better. But most men aren't so lucky - they've never had a partner who thrashes around on the bed, whose eyes roll back in her head, who screams or who shakes uncontrollably for several minutes afterward. Any one of those experiences, for a man, is a definite "Aha!" moment and he probably loves it.

The feeling of power a man gets when he can give his partner bigger and better orgasms is nirvana! It's addictive. It builds confidence and self-esteem. It makes him feel like a better man. Why? Because instinctively most men want to satisfy their mate, to give her powerful orgasms. It's part of the evolutionary process, amazingly: if a woman has an orgasm during intercourse, preferable about the same time the man does, she's more likely to become pregnant (assuming she's ovulating and not using birth control, obviously).

See, there are powerful reasons for our instincts when it comes to mating and sex, it's not just random stuff going on. I talk more in depth about this in my ebook, which can be purchased here.

Okay, we've covered the "can" part of "can and will" now let's all wonder about the "will" part. Personally, I can't understand why some men just don't care to satisfy their mates/lovers. I'd guess it starts with a low self-esteem and probably a lot of shame from his early years. A twisted sense he was given of what making love is all about. But boy, are those guys missing out or what? To me, a woman's orgasm has got to be about the best thing going!

As always, your comments are welcome.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net