It seems to be pretty universal, according to most men and many women, that once a relationship reaches marriage (or close to it), the woman starts to attempt to mold her man into the man she thinks she wants. Or, more accurately, the man she wanted in the first place. This begs the question, why didn’t she choose a man she wanted instead of taking on the project of trying to build him? Does she think it’s “nurturing”?

To a man, the constant efforts of his wife to change things about him looks and feels more like control and nagging. And either one of these will ultimately destroy a marriage.

If the man is a real man who’s comfortable with who he is, flaws or not, he’ll probably want to end it eventually, once he’s figured out it’s not going to stop and he’s had enough. If he’s the kind of guy who will change just because his wife wants him to, the irony is she’s more likely to leave him! A woman wants a man who will stand up for himself, even as she tries to get him to lay down and roll over for her.

Either way, it’s a lose-lose proposition. If you catch yourself nagging him, stop and ask yourself: do you want him around or not?

Now, as to the part about the man being wrong in thinking the woman won’t change……we’re not going to go there now.

Owen
www.man2woman.net

Dear Rachel,

A big problem with being older is that you carry your score card with you on dates. I think at least, “Well, I know what I don’t want.” Over the years, I’ve developed this long list (and it’s growing longer!) of turn-offs and pet peeves, perhaps developed from ex-boyfriends, especially the last guy I dated. How do I get past these instant judgments I make on first dates about everything from table manners to grammar to annoying habits? I have been repeatedly told by my friends and family that the reason I’m not married is that I’m too picky. What’s a girl to do?
- Julie in Minneapolis

Dear Julie,

While you should have high standards for yourself at any age, there is definitely a big difference between being “too picky” and just plain “short-sighted.” You may already know what I’m going to say, because it’s probably what all your friends and family have been telling you: give men more time for you to discover who they are on the inside before writing them off too quickly based on mostly superficial judgments. Yes, that’s the advice I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, but I bet you just don’t know how to do it, right?

Since I’m all about bringing analytical thinking into the dating world, let me give you three concrete tips:

1. First, categorize which problems can be changed in the man and which ones can’t. The man has bad table manners? Easy to change! Most people just haven’t been taught which fork is used for the salad and where to put the soup spoon after eating the soup. You’ll teach him later (that doesn’t make him a bad or ignorant person). Bad breath, bad clothing, bad mustache: all these types of things can be changed under the influence of the right woman combined with a man motivated by love. The things you can’t ever change, and if those things really bother you, should be the deal-breakers: lying, selfishness, temper issues, etc. Decide if any major “can’t change” issues are on your grievance list. If not, you’re being too picky in the beginning and you should spend more time with him and see if chemistry develops.

2. Second, understand that what you might not like may actually be a good complement to your personality (and a great relationship dynamic). For example, maybe you think you don’t like laid-back guys, perhaps they seem boring to you, but you are so uptight and high-strung that an opposite demeanor is actually perfect for you. I’m a big believer in “opposites attract.” Remember, you probably won’t be happy marrying yourself. Try to understand whether what’s bugging you may actually be good for you, and if so, continue dating him and see how the dynamic evolves.

3. Third, when you experience an annoyance (an “oh no!” moment) during a first date, make a mental note to ask yourself later, “Why is that?” Perhaps you are reacting to something that has more to do with you than with him. For example, maybe your date shows up without a plan for the evening, and he asks, “What would you like to do? I haven’t made any reservations: I thought I’d let you decide.” You are immediately turned off because you ‘hate guys who don’t take charge.’ Later that night you think to yourself, “Why does it bug me when a guy doesn’t take charge?” Perhaps you realize that your father was indecisive, your mother made all the decisions, and when they divorced you blamed your father. Now you resent all men who don’t take charge. Whatever the reason, you may have an “aha” moment when you realize that your pet peeve is more psychological on your part (and you can work on that), rather than a fatal flaw on the part of the guy you’re dating.

This three-step “analysis” of pet peeves should go a long way toward helping you cut through your pickiness and focus only on the real deal-breakers.
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Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com
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That first numbered point, in a man’s opinion, is VERY bad advice. Men will find it shocking that women claiming to be relationship experts actually instruct other women to change their men! It never works out the way the woman wants it to, so why is it like a rule that you have to do it?

If poor Julie accepts this advice, she’s going to go into a relationship and wait until it’s established then start nit-picking the guy and trying to “nurture” him into being the man she thinks she wants. This will lead to all kinds of problems and if she resorts to nagging, it will probably destroy what otherwise could have been a healthy, happy relationship.

My suggestion would be to accept things that aren’t deal-breakers, not plan to surprise the poor guy by insisting he change them somewhere down the road.

See my post: Don’t Try To Change a Man

Owen
www.man2woman.net

What is this horrible affliction that’s making so many people miserable? Self-righteous judgmentalism. What’s the cause? Insecurity, fear of not being “good enough”; people will grab onto any opportunity to feel superior to someone else, no matter how illogical or ridiculous it might be.

The best example of this disease is the way so many people today judge a smoker as a second-class citizen. I once met up with three people from a Yahoo group I belonged to, for a free outdoor concert. We were enjoying the company and the music in the beer garden but I started noticing one of the ladies was getting well lubricated by the beer. And she was going to be driving herself home.

Well, at some point in the conversation, she blurted out that she has no respect for people who smoke – and all three of her tablemates were smokers! To her, a drunk driver is better than a smoker. Because SHE happens to be the drunk driver.

Another time – same Yahoo group – I was at a social gathering in a lounge and got to talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool. We were (naturally) talking about the ladies there and he mentioned he wouldn’t be interested in the best-looking one there because she smokes.

In other words, that’s his number one criterion for selecting a woman, never mind she might be gorgeous, she might be sweet and sexy, she might be the perfect woman for him.

The Online Dating World

This is even more prevalent in women, I think. At least from my experience with online dating. He could be rich, handsome and everything she says she wants but if he smokes, he’s out.

Now, I know for a fact a lot of these women drink a hell of a lot more than the “one or two” they claim in their profiles. A lot of them are lying about their age and weight, they’re using 10 year old pictures. But in their minds, they’re superior because they don’t smoke.

In the online personals, age, of course, is the first criterion and there might be others used to instantly eliminate candidates: his job isn’t dignified enough or doesn’t pay enough, he has kids, etc.

Eliminating is the key here. Let’s just see how that plays out:

Okay, you don’t want to even talk to a guy who smokes: you’ve just eliminated 30% of the men in your age group (that one came first if you’re using online profiles). Then comes his “undignified” blue-collar job that doesn’t pay enough: there goes another 20% or so. Kids? Another percentage that will vary depending on your age. He’s lost most of his hair? Same thing. The point here – and the bottom line – is that when you use judgmental criteria to eliminate possibilities you get down to a miniscule percentage of men, maybe 10-15%. And 100% of women are all competing for the same guys!

Now, how about that 10-15%? Some of those guys might be jerks, wussy mama’s boys or whatever. Lousy lovers? If the complaints from women are any indication that’s most of that 10-15%. Gay? There goes a few more.

And let’s face it, if the guy is that good – good enough for you – he’s probably married to a happy woman!

What’s left for you? Nada! Zip! But that’s okay because you’re “superior” to all of them, right? Or are you? Ask the men who are doing the same thing and see if you’re in THEIR top 10%. Oops! There’s that little detail of the 25 extra pounds you’re carrying around. But you might say it’s superficial for someone to judge you based on that!

Food for thought – and it has no calories!

Owen
www.man2woman.net

According to Wikipedia, approximately 3.1% of American adults are diagnosed with it each year, and considering that most of these unlucky folks don’t find a cure, you can add up most of those year upon year. Yeah, it’s a huge number and a huge problem in this high-stress, fast-paced society we live in today.

What’s even more astounding – and saddening – is that (again, according to Wikipedia) 13% of American children and adolescents are victims of these life-limiting disorders.

What most people do if they have symptoms of anxiety disorder is go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong. If the doctor correctly diagnoses the problem, he or she will probably put the person on some kind of antidepressant meds, such as SSRIs or worst case, benzodiazepines, like Atavan or others I can’t type in here or my own filters will zap my post.

Sticking to the topic of healthy relationships, with what these meds do to the libido, energy level and psyche, you can forget about even being interested in most aspects of a relationship. And let’s not forget that several of them can and do cause significant weight gain that won’t exactly do your self-esteem any good.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any form of anxiety or panic disorder, I highly recommend you head over to HelpWithAnxietyDisorder.com and sign up for the mini-course. If it’s a friend who suffers, forward them the emails. Yes, it’s my site. And yes, I’m a survivor of severe anxiety disorder.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Kara Oh

I was at a Hallmark store the other day and on the counter was a stand with the cutest little 2 inch books. One grabbed my attention because the title was “What Women Say About Men”. On each page was a put-down of men. The one I remember was “The more I understand men, the more I like dogs.” After reading a couple more I asked the man at the counter if all the entries were that mean-spirited. He said pretty much but that he thought they were kind of funny. We talked more about the commercials, films, and sitcoms that make men look like bafoons. The fact that he’s accepted this as how it is made me sad.

I asked him if he thought a book that was aimed at putting down women would sell and he agreed with me that women would be completely up-in-arms. Putting men down has become so common that we don’t generally question it. But think about this: How might this attitude be coloring your image of men and how you treat them? And how might that be affecting your current or past relationships? Pay attention over the next few weeks. Maybe there are some adjustments in your thinking and interactions that could help your relationships with men.

__________________________________________

For more tips about how to make your love life work for you, not against you, go to: MenMadeEasy.com

As always, I wish you the best,
Owen
www.man2woman.net

That third definition is good, it means if we’re idealists we strive for ideals in ourselves and our own lives. Where people get into trouble is living life by the other two definitions, thereby expecting others to live by the ideals we choose for ourselves.

Or, more accurately, ideals someone ELSE chose for us.

Another way idealism can cause problems is when people use it as a cop-out for not succeeding or having things go their way. For example, it says in the Bible, “the meek shall inherit the Earth.”

First of all, we know that’s never going to happen (taken literally anyway) because the meek don’t DO anything. Those who lead are anything but meek; look at politics and big business. If, somehow, the meek were to take over, we’d have total chaos and the human race would fail to survive.

Another place we get loaded up with idealism is in movies and books. Good always wins out over evil, the nice guy always gets the girl and they live happily ever after.

In real life, nice guys finish last and they rarely get the girl. But after reading all the novels and seeing all those movies and TV shows, we grow up thinking that IS real life. So we emulate what we’ve seen, read, heard and been told: men put every effort into being “nice guys” in hopes of getting the girl and women THINK that nice guy is the one they want.

Of course, we got a lot of help from our mothers with this brand of ideal, too. They wished it was true and in trying to make life “better” for their kids, they taught their sons to be nice guys and kiss up to women and taught their daughters to expect that and gauge a man by how generous he is and how high a pedestal he puts her on.

Happily ever after? Usually, if people give in to what they think is the way it works – the way it “should be” – they end up unhappy and divorced.

If we become obsessed with expecting things to be as we’ve been taught they should be, it will lead to disappointment, disillusionment and ultimately, resentment. If other people don’t live up to our false expectations, we just blame them.

Where do we see this happening over and over? Well, how about the people who don’t do well when it comes to attracting the opposite sex? The overweight woman or 5’ tall man who says: “They shouldn’t care what I look like.”

Nice idea, but we all know the day men stop caring what a woman looks like is the day women will be attracted to 5’ tall men with zero incomes. But these people find it easier – more convenient – to blame the rest of the world than to take responsibility and decide whether they care enough to do something to MAKE themselves more attractive or just give up on the idea of ever having a mate.

That last example is a good illustration of the difference between what we’re told should be versus our instincts – what “is”. Human nature – our instincts – is wired into the most basic part of our brain, just like every species of animal on earth. But, unlike all the other species, we have religion and society telling us we shouldn’t be that way, we should be something else. And the more we believe it, the more unhappy we become!

And THAT is the way it IS.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Well, something has happened to society, and not just our American society. As often as not, now when someone says they’re going to do something, you’re crazy to hold an expectation that they actually WILL do it. How about the contractor who says he’s going to come to your house and do some work? Doesn’t he want the money? Or a landlord who promises to make improvements and fix up the yard and 9 months later it’s not done? Does he expect to keep a good tenant if he can’t keep his word?

I think the problem has become epidemic, caught just like a cold or flu. Other people do it (or don’t, depending on how you look at it) so you adopt the thinking that it doesn’t really matter if you do what you say you will or keep a promise. It becomes the standard for behavior, where it used to be the exception.

I was talking to a friend about this and he pointed out that there are no longer any consequences for failing to keep your word. I think he’s on to something: If Joe doesn’t keep his word, he won’t really expect Sam to keep his. And so it goes.

Believe it or not, there’s a direct link between respect for others and respect for yourself, so what does this say about the collective mental health of modern society?

Okay, so here’s my suggestion, if you want to increase your self-respect and gain the respect of everyone you deal with:

Take pride in your word; if you say you’re going to do something, do it. And do it WHEN you say you’re going to do it. You’ll feel better about yourself, guaranteed, and take my word for it, you’ll stand out from – and ABOVE – the crowd. Practice this at work and see who gets the raise or the promotion. Practice it with your friends and family and see how appreciated you are and how many people suddenly become willing to do things for you. Practice it with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and see how much more love you get. You may not make a big difference in the world at large, but you might just make a big difference in your world.

As always,

Owen
www.man2woman.net

Rori’s story isn’t all that unique, in fact it’s all too common. The first part, that is. You see, Rori was one of those women who kept attracting the wrong kind of men, getting into less than stellar relationships and watching them all turn sour.

When a gem of a man finally came into her life, she couldn’t see what she’d found. She was blinded by all her past experiences and the expectation that this one would be the same and end the same.

But surprise, this one proposed to her. He obviously saw more in Rori than Rori did.

Here, I’ll let Rori tell this part:

“When the man who would become my husband came along, I didn’t recognize him at first for the diamond he was. I was still looking for crumbs, but he was offering me the whole meal! When he proposed it was a dream come true. But shortly after we were married, my nightmare started all over again.

“Our marriage sank into the toilet – there was no sex, no affection, and no real communication. We went to therapy, but it didn’t help. I was miserable all the time. What started out as a glorious relationship turned into an awful marriage because I hadn’t changed at all – I was still doing the same things and saying the same things I’ve always said and done that never, ever worked!

“It wasn’t until I stopped doing everything I had always done and tried something completely new – something that felt almost counter-intuitive to me – that I knew that I had landed on the secret of why a man “falls” for a woman and decides he wants her for the rest of his life.”

We’ve all heard the saying: “Keep doing what you’ve been doing and you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” And the definition of insanity: “Continuing to do the same things over and over, expecting the results to change.”

Well, to put it plainly, what Rori realized is that in all the bad relationships and breakups she’d been through, SHE was the common denominator and if she wanted things to improve, she needed to see what she could do differently.

She did it, it worked – she’s been married to the same man for 20+ years now – and she’d like to show you how you can also have the relationship you want. In fact,  her ebook detailing what she did and what you can do is titled simply, Have The Relationship You Want.

Now, I’m not going to tell you you need to buy her book. I’m going to suggest you subscribe to her Relationship Advice e-letter and as a gift, she’ll give you  five tools you can start using right away to draw a man closer to you and improve any relationship you have going now.

Click right now on the picture of the happy couple to go to Rori’s subscription page. Get to know her and if you like what she has to say and you like the advice she gives you, then buy her book.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

“why if men love you as they say, do they scope out every attractive woman they see. My hub and I are very close but it bothers me that he has such a wandering eye, everywhere we go. It makes me feel that he is not satisfied with me. he says I have a problem. Even picks out tv shows with a lot of female content. if he is so in love as he says, why must he do this? AND what is he thinking when he does this?”

My reply:

“AND what is he thinking when he does this”

He’s not thinking, he’s reacting. As I explain in my book, a man’s evolutionary imperative is to mate with as many qualifying females as possible, to ensure the survival of as many offspring as possible. As you’ve probably noticed, it all starts with the woman’s body, right? Well, his instinct (mating radar I call it) is drawing his attention to the “ideal” mate’s body. You don’t say how old he is but this is the reason men are attracted to younger women: they’re in their mating and childbearing prime.

Men are visually attracted because there’s a direct connection between our optic nerve and our brain stem, with only a brief detour through the subconscious. In other words, unlike women, it’s like shoot first and ask questions later.:-) An attractive woman (potential mate) qualifies first on appearance then when we get to know her a little, we make the distinction between desirable and undesirable based on other criteria.

Basically, your husband’s mating radar is on all the time and he can’t turn it off. And I hope you don’t try! Let him look, humor him, some women find it works well for them if they point out other women to him. The way he feels about you is far better if you don’t get on his case about gazing. How you react will decide which brain chemicals flow in his head, happy or angry.

Now, if Brad Pitt or Pierce Brosnan walked into the room, you wouldn’t even notice, right?
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This lady mentions that her husband says she has a problem and what he sees is insecurity. He tells her that because he loves her she shouldn’t get upset or worry if he looks at other women but she does anyway, apparently.

Reacting this way, with anger, when your guy looks at other women, will drive a wedge between the two of you and have the exact opposite effect from what you want. Gradually, if you keep complaining, he will start seriously thinking of jumping ship and getting one of those attractive women he likes to gawk at.

Why? Because you’re criticizing him for being a man, belittling his masculinity and insisting that he NOT be a man. And the funny thing is, you might be his idea of the most gorgeous, hottest woman he’s ever seen, and succeed in running him off for having normal male mating instincts. You DID want a masculine man in the first place, right?

Now, the shocking truth: women are visual, too, and look at men they unconsciously approve of as ideal mating material.

Owen
www.man2woman.net

I’m a firm believer that what you project you will attract, or call it karma if you’d rather. The point is, if you’re dishonest, people will be dishonest with you. If you’re honest, you’ll attract honesty.

And if your perspective is that men aren’t honest you’ll be imagining lies where there aren’t any. You’ll never trust a man and without trust you simply can NOT have a healthy relationship.

We see it all the time in online personals, women bemoaning the lack of honest men, while they lie about their age or weight (or both) or use a 5-10 year old picture. It’s so commonplace that men over 30 or so expect it! But as we all know, the problem with lying is that eventually the truth comes out, right? And the person you’re meeting I can guarantee will be disappointed – at LEAST! Try pissed off, disillusioned, angry, whatever. Just as YOU would be if he misled you.

You want to know the real downside of a woman questioning the honesty of men in general? She’s blown her chance with honest men! Why? Well, no honest man with integrity wants to be with a woman who will always assume he’s lying, a woman who will never trust him. It’s not worth it! It creates unbearable amounts of drama and men don’t like drama.

I was just telling a lady who wrote for advice on her “boyfriend” that the two occasions when a man is most likely to lie or mislead is when he wants to get into your pants and when he wants to keep you around, assuming he thinks the truth won’t work. Well, that’s something we seem to have in common with you women: you’re most likely to lie when it comes to affairs of the heart, too. When you want a man to be interested and when you want to keep him around.

I recently read an article about lying in our culture, how it’s gotten so mainstream. I think that’s sad!

Oh, by the way, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Ready? A man can usually tell when a woman lies to him. I’m not going to tell you how because we like having that advantage.:-)

Owen (with lips sealed)
coach@man2woman.net
www.man2woman.net