Ladies, Are You Being Too Picky?
By Rachel Greenwald
Dear Rachel,
A big problem with being older is that you carry your score card with you on dates. I think at least, “Well, I know what I don’t want.” Over the years, I’ve developed this long list (and it’s growing longer!) of turn-offs and pet peeves, perhaps developed from ex-boyfriends, especially the last guy I dated. How do I get past these instant judgments I make on first dates about everything from table manners to grammar to annoying habits? I have been repeatedly told by my friends and family that the reason I’m not married is that I’m too picky. What’s a girl to do?
- Julie in Minneapolis
Dear Julie,
While you should have high standards for yourself at any age, there is definitely a big difference between being “too picky” and just plain “short-sighted.” You may already know what I’m going to say, because it’s probably what all your friends and family have been telling you: give men more time for you to discover who they are on the inside before writing them off too quickly based on mostly superficial judgments. Yes, that’s the advice I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, but I bet you just don’t know how to do it, right?
Since I’m all about bringing analytical thinking into the dating world, let me give you three concrete tips:
1. First, categorize which problems can be changed in the man and which ones can’t. The man has bad table manners? Easy to change! Most people just haven’t been taught which fork is used for the salad and where to put the soup spoon after eating the soup. You’ll teach him later (that doesn’t make him a bad or ignorant person). Bad breath, bad clothing, bad mustache: all these types of things can be changed under the influence of the right woman combined with a man motivated by love. The things you can’t ever change, and if those things really bother you, should be the deal-breakers: lying, selfishness, temper issues, etc. Decide if any major “can’t change” issues are on your grievance list. If not, you’re being too picky in the beginning and you should spend more time with him and see if chemistry develops.
2. Second, understand that what you might not like may actually be a good complement to your personality (and a great relationship dynamic). For example, maybe you think you don’t like laid-back guys, perhaps they seem boring to you, but you are so uptight and high-strung that an opposite demeanor is actually perfect for you. I’m a big believer in “opposites attract.” Remember, you probably won’t be happy marrying yourself. Try to understand whether what’s bugging you may actually be good for you, and if so, continue dating him and see how the dynamic evolves.
3. Third, when you experience an annoyance (an “oh no!” moment) during a first date, make a mental note to ask yourself later, “Why is that?” Perhaps you are reacting to something that has more to do with you than with him. For example, maybe your date shows up without a plan for the evening, and he asks, “What would you like to do? I haven’t made any reservations: I thought I’d let you decide.” You are immediately turned off because you ‘hate guys who don’t take charge.’ Later that night you think to yourself, “Why does it bug me when a guy doesn’t take charge?” Perhaps you realize that your father was indecisive, your mother made all the decisions, and when they divorced you blamed your father. Now you resent all men who don’t take charge. Whatever the reason, you may have an “aha” moment when you realize that your pet peeve is more psychological on your part (and you can work on that), rather than a fatal flaw on the part of the guy you’re dating.
This three-step “analysis” of pet peeves should go a long way toward helping you cut through your pickiness and focus only on the real deal-breakers.
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Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com
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That first numbered point, in a man’s opinion, is VERY bad advice. Men will find it shocking that women claiming to be relationship experts actually instruct other women to change their men! It never works out the way the woman wants it to, so why is it like a rule that you have to do it?
If poor Julie accepts this advice, she’s going to go into a relationship and wait until it’s established then start nit-picking the guy and trying to “nurture” him into being the man she thinks she wants. This will lead to all kinds of problems and if she resorts to nagging, it will probably destroy what otherwise could have been a healthy, happy relationship.
My suggestion would be to accept things that aren’t deal-breakers, not plan to surprise the poor guy by insisting he change them somewhere down the road.
See my post: Don’t Try To Change a Man
Owen
www.man2woman.net
Painful Social Disease
There’s a social disease running rampant in this country, it’s insidious and has reached epidemic proportions. It has devastating effects on the lives of both the afflicted and the rest of us. It’s an acquired disease; kids don’t seem to have it but adults do, in ever-increasing numbers. In my opinion, due to the nature of our culture and aided and abetted by the Internet, it’s incurable! And it’s preventing relationships that could be rewarding and fulfilling.
What is this horrible affliction that’s making so many people miserable? Self-righteous judgmentalism. What’s the cause? Insecurity, fear of not being “good enough”; people will grab onto any opportunity to feel superior to someone else, no matter how illogical or ridiculous it might be.
The best example of this disease is the way so many people today judge a smoker as a second-class citizen. I once met up with three people from a Yahoo group I belonged to, for a free outdoor concert. We were enjoying the company and the music in the beer garden but I started noticing one of the ladies was getting well lubricated by the beer. And she was going to be driving herself home.
Well, at some point in the conversation, she blurted out that she has no respect for people who smoke – and all three of her tablemates were smokers! To her, a drunk driver is better than a smoker. Because SHE happens to be the drunk driver.
Another time – same Yahoo group – I was at a social gathering in a lounge and got to talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool. We were (naturally) talking about the ladies there and he mentioned he wouldn’t be interested in the best-looking one there because she smokes.
In other words, that’s his number one criterion for selecting a woman, never mind she might be gorgeous, she might be sweet and sexy, she might be the perfect woman for him.
The Online Dating World
This is even more prevalent in women, I think. At least from my experience with online dating. He could be rich, handsome and everything she says she wants but if he smokes, he’s out.
Now, I know for a fact a lot of these women drink a hell of a lot more than the “one or two” they claim in their profiles. A lot of them are lying about their age and weight, they’re using 10 year old pictures. But in their minds, they’re superior because they don’t smoke.
In the online personals, age, of course, is the first criterion and there might be others used to instantly eliminate candidates: his job isn’t dignified enough or doesn’t pay enough, he has kids, etc.
Eliminating is the key here. Let’s just see how that plays out:
Okay, you don’t want to even talk to a guy who smokes: you’ve just eliminated 30% of the men in your age group (that one came first if you’re using online profiles). Then comes his “undignified” blue-collar job that doesn’t pay enough: there goes another 20% or so. Kids? Another percentage that will vary depending on your age. He’s lost most of his hair? Same thing. The point here – and the bottom line – is that when you use judgmental criteria to eliminate possibilities you get down to a miniscule percentage of men, maybe 10-15%. And 100% of women are all competing for the same guys!
Now, how about that 10-15%? Some of those guys might be jerks, wussy mama’s boys or whatever. Lousy lovers? If the complaints from women are any indication that’s most of that 10-15%. Gay? There goes a few more.
And let’s face it, if the guy is that good – good enough for you – he’s probably married to a happy woman!
What’s left for you? Nada! Zip! But that’s okay because you’re “superior” to all of them, right? Or are you? Ask the men who are doing the same thing and see if you’re in THEIR top 10%. Oops! There’s that little detail of the 25 extra pounds you’re carrying around. But you might say it’s superficial for someone to judge you based on that!
Food for thought – and it has no calories!
Owen
www.man2woman.net
